A Dead Duke
by FoSizzle
Summary: Warning: includes a talkative Chocolat, a somewhat intelligent Duke, a depressed bodyguard, and a frying pan. Please R&R!


_A/N: Here is my first stab at comedy. Don't laugh! (Or actually, please do :D) Like Christian says, I was very tired when I wrote this, but I think it turned out ok in the end…_

I hear a thunk that reminds me oddly of a mime running into a tree in the middle of the forest when nobody is listening. I open my eyes and see Chocolat staring at the Duke, holding a bloodied piece of bottle. Now, with anyone else, I would find this quite alarming, but I am always making small exceptions when concerning the dear Duke.

"Is he… dead?" I whisper. _Oh please say yes. Please say yes. _

'I think so," he tells me. "I wasn't sure the first time, so I hit him again for good measure." At that, I just stared blankly.

"No offense, but you weren't the only reason that I did this," he continues. "There have been several requests from the dancers. Apparently, there have been several accounts of him acting…naughty." Again, I just stare at him.

"Without paying," he adds.

"Oh, that's horrible!" I cry.

"I know! That's why I just had to do something," he says.

"You know, I've always thought of you as the silent type," I comment.

"Oh, no! Quite the opposite actually. You see, when I start talking I usually can't stop. Zidler said that if I wanted to keep my job I would have to keep my moth shut. And I have a granny who's at home, and she…"

_Well damn, _I think, blocking him out. Now I've started him up.

"Look, I'm quite sorry. I'd love to hear about your sick granny, but right now I have to go to Christian."

"She's not sick!" Chocolat argues. "She's just…confused.' I shoot him a look, and he shuts up again.

"Thank you, Chocolat. I would like you to get my bags for me. I will be leaving shortly."

*-*-*

"Well why didn't we think of this before?" asks Christian. We're both back in the tower, and Christian is poking the Duke's body with his shoe. He turns to me. "Hey, do you think we could still move his body? We could stick his fingers up his nose or something…"

"No, don't be vulgar, Christian," I laugh. "Here. I have an idea." Five minutes later, the duke is sitting on one of the stools in the position of "the thinker".

"There. At least he can look somewhat intelligent when he's dead," I say.

"Nah, still looks the same," comes a voice behind us. We look around and see the Duke's bodyguard coming towards us.

"Walter!" I cry out. "No, wait. That's not right. Raymond?"

"No, love," says Christian. "I think it's Winifred."

"It's Warner!" the bodyguard shouts.

"Fine, geez. It's just a name," says Christian.

'Why couldn't mother have given me a normal name, like Bill or Hank," Warner says, slumping down on his knees. "My brother's names are Jim and Ted. Do you think mother didn't love me?" he looked up at us, tears forming in his eyes.

"Aww, there there Wilbur," I say, kneeling down next to him. "I'm sure she really does love you."

"Oh, thank you, Satine!" he cries, hugging me tight. "you know, I never really wanted to hurt anybody. It's just in the job description."

"It's all right," Christian says. "And as long as you don't tell anyone, this will stay between us.

"And meee!" cries the Duke, stiffly getting up from his position.

"Eee! It's the night of the living dead Duke! He's aliiiive!" I scream. Another clang is heard, and the Duke slumps over again. Chocolat steps forward, holding a frying pan, and says, "Not for long."

"This is getting weirder and weirder," Christian says. "I think the author is veery tired." The said author is about to have something tragic occur to him, but since it is Christian, she forgives him.

"All that's left," he continues, "is-"

At that moment, the entire cast and crew of Spectacular Spectacular come streaming into the tower, with Harold Zidler at the lead saying, "Strawberry! We came to celebrate!'

There is a moment of silence. Then two.

"I think escape through the window is the best idea," whispers Christian in my ear.

"Let's go!" I shout, running and jumping through the window.

"Uh oh," I say, as gravity takes hold and I start plummeting towards the ground.

With a burst of bright light, I awake next to Christian. I look around. I'm in Christian's apartment. He stirs next to me.

"Good morning, love," he smiles.

"Ooh, what an odd dream I had last night."


End file.
